Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
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I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
🍛
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.