Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
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‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.