*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
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me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Lmao the reply
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn