Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
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My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks