Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
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My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Candles never taste the way they smell
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk