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worst…sale…ever
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Who did this…? 💫⚡️