My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
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Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.