When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
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[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees