I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
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I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*