My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
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“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak