[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
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Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
craving $300 all of a sudden