Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
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Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
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I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop