Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
You Might Also Like
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again