Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
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Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy