my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
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I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Skills
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
That time Alicia messaged me
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?