[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
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[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I’m Sold!
This is my pinned tweet
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Ugh
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment