Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
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and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
#parenting
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.