Dune (2021)
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[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it