my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
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{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
You’ll be OK
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.