I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
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[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
🏙👨🏼
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?