Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
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This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
*orders delivery*
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.