I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
You Might Also Like
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
*Inspirational Tweets*
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on