[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
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My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”