Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
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The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
one last job
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it