It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
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*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Strangers have the best candy.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
me and the Superbowl rn
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
the clam before the storm