Comparing yourself to others
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Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
this is uni
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.