I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
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Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot