I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
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this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.