I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
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According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.