[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
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Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Imma just leave this here…………
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Is this you?
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem