Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
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Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
good let them take over I have had enough
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea