They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
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To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child