How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
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Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.