I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
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Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.