Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
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[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.