Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
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How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Just a phase…
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything