Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
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The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast