That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
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Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
sin harder.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best