On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
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[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
ready to be harvested
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
That’s no pocket rocket.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂