[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
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Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
HR said no more nunchucks.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
so i’m at the stock market right
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.