I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
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Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
This cat wants you to take your pills
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses