[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
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Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
This fish is cracking me up
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.