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Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King