nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
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Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
no such thing as a dumb question
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
drew a comic about my origin story
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.