Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
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*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
it’s finally my moment to shine
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.