When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
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I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?