[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
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extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Natty or not?
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.