sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
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In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Are you a cat person or a person person?
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.