Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
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I was just discussing this with my cat
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’