*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
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STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?